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PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 6:29 pm 

Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 5:29 pm
Posts: 17
Sorry you didn't like it. I can't do much about the grammar, blame the US educational system. However is there anyway I can improve the plot? I don't think it's cheesy or nonsensical, but I'd like to know what about it you consider cheesy and nonsensical?

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:23 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 9:45 am
Posts: 1040
Location: Kenilworth, Warwickshire, UK
Honestly, I would ignore what that poster has said. They have only made one post, and I think it is unnecessarily negative. You have spent the time writing this, as fan-fiction, and I think that is awesome. Regardless of the quality of writing.

Just keep going at the pace you feel is best!

PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 10:29 pm 
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Joined: Fri Mar 01, 2013 6:58 pm
Posts: 650
Location: Bilbrook, West Midlands.
Yeri , Not bad at all, its not the Cybertronic that my MC evolved with, I think you are brimming with "new" ideas that match the "new" range.So I for one will eagerly await more of both. I said else were that Cybertronic of old could be a joy or a bane. the new figures and your story I find exiting .Next Section Please.
Praise the Carinal but pas me a Gehenna Puker.

PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 12:33 pm 

Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 5:29 pm
Posts: 17
alright, sorry for such a long gap between chapters. I was having trouble deciding where I wanted the story to go, but I think I've figured it out:
Chapter 3:
As the sun rose over the megacity of Luna, Sergei began to roust himself from his bed. As his senses returned from whatever dream he had been having his cyberbrain began to link itself with the systems in his home. He tried to order his coffee pot to brew him a cup, but he was met with a response telling him that there was already a fresh pot made. he certainly hadn’t made that in his sleep, the system was designed not to interface with a sleeping cyberbrain to prevent such disasters as turning on the fireplace in the middle of the night, sending the cleaning robot into home defense mode, or the dreaded emptying of the litter box onto the carpet. Someone had been in his home, and the system was telling him that whoever it was, they were still there and in his kitchen.
He drew his home defense pistol from the auto-safe in his mattress, and loaded his tactical subroutines. As the subroutines took over he leapt out of bed and darted to the side of the doorway. He peeked around the corner before moving to the next piece of cover. After a few moments of darting and taking cover he reached the door to his kitchen. He readied himself for whatever waited for him inside before bursting into the kitchen.
“good morning father.” Sitting at his breakfast table were two twin-like women who looked almost exactly like Anne except that their hair was the Mannerheim jet black. They were sitting there in what looked to be cybertronic doctor’s uniforms, sipping coffee and reading the paper.
“who are you?” he asked them.
“ouch dad, did mom not tell you we would be coming?” one of them said.
“I don’t think he knew we existed Em.” The other said.
“then you think we should introduce ourselves El?” the first one said.
“I think so.” The first one responded. They both looked at Sergei. “I’m Ellen.”
“and I’m Emily, and technically we’re”
“your daughters.” They said in unison.
Sergei was dumbfounded, he didn’t even have any children he knew of, much less two fully grown daughters. There was only one explanation for this: the two were artificial clones, but none of the current clone patterns incorporated his DNA. They had to be an entirely new pattern, something that should have taken at least a month to configure.
He opened a com-link with the headquarter’s cloning lab, and to his surprise he was greeted by Anne’s smiling face. “Cybernetics and Bioengineering department. Department chief Anne Romanov speaking.”
“Anne? What are you doing in the Cybernetics and Bioengineering department, aren’t you supposed to be going through orientation right now?” Sergei asked her.
Anne put her arm behind her head and grinned. “oh that? It was too slow, so I created a program to give a sped up orientation in the cybernet. It didn’t take me long at all, only one point three real seconds, then another point two seconds to actually run the program on myself. After that that personality test thing told me I would be best in the Cybernetics and Bioengineering department. So I loaded the education programs into my cyberbrain and got to work. I’m apparently performing at plus three hundred percent efficiency and plus one hundred present product performance quality, so they promoted me to department chief. Man I feel amazing now! I’ve been thinking faster and faster and faster, but I got worried that I was thinking too fast. So I split myself into two more individuals to spread out the workload. At first they weren’t quite up to snuff, they only had half my thought patterns you see. So I decided to add to their half of my brain the opposite half of your brain, a kind of mental child of our two thought patterns. Well long story short, what was meant to be a pair of simple artificial assistants somehow started to develop sentience and personalities. What was one night in real time is about fifteen years in the cybernet at the slowest setting, so I isolated the two and created a cybernet within the cybernet for them to grow and mature. I figured it would be cruel to have created a living being then keep them trapped in the cybernet all their lives. So while I was developing this new organic skin for my new body,” she slapped her cheek and demonstrated how it became rosy like real flesh. “I took the time to develop a genome for the two of them so that they could have real flesh and blood bodies. I hope you don’t mind but I used some of your DNA to make them, they’re your daughters in mind so I thought they should be your daughters in body as well.” Anne was talking faster than Sergei could completely understand, but he was able to catch most of what she said.
Sergei spent the rest of the morning talking to his new twin daughters, learning their likes and dislikes, their little peculiarities, how to tell the difference between them. He may have not consented to being a father, but then again nether did his father when Sergei was created. As he thought back to his childhood he always had wanted to spend more time with his dad, but his father was always away for business or busy with work, never having time for young Sergei. Sergei had always tried to prove himself to his father, but despite his efforts his father never seemed to notice the young boy’s brilliance. He had invented new implants, discovered new science, and even started a grassroots political movement called “the Crowns” that to his knowledge had only grown in clout since he handed it off to someone else for safekeeping. All this yet his father never acknowledged him. He knew what it was like to grow up without a father, and he would not let these girls grow up like he did.
Due to his new status as a parent Sergei made a call to his litigator to amend his last will and testament, a few minutes later there was a knock on his door. He opened it expecting it to be the litigator, but was instead met with a Brotherhood inquisitor. “what do you want?” the Brotherhood and Cybertronic had a pseudo unspoken agreement not to directly target each other’s big wigs. After the assassination of Raoul Mannerheim and the “tragic accident” that had befallen the cardinal that likely ordered his death, it was customary for the two organizations to leave the other’s executives alone to prevent a wasteful vendetta, this was likely to be a violation of that rule.
“rejoice!” the inquisitor said. “for in this heart of darkness not one but two beacons of light dwell, and I have come to take them to a place where they can be properly nurtured into mighty warriors of faith.”
Sergei heard footsteps behind him. “dad, what’s going on?” Em and El were standing at the edge of the hallway behind him.
“Ellen, Emily, I need you to go hide. Then call your mother and tell her to go to the address I’m sending you now and ask for a man named Ernesto. Tell him that the phoenix project has likely failed and that operation Harvest is green lit.” Ellen and Emily did as told and ran off.
“do you know what kind of can of worms you’re opening right now?” Sergei asked the inquisitor.
“your darkness can’t stand against the light, whatever you do it will be in vain.”
“I’m only going to warn you once: for each hair on their heads you harm I will kill a mystic, for each cut on their body I will kill an inquisitor, and for each day you don’t let them go I will burn a cathedral to the ground.” Sergei felt a choking grip on his neck as the inquisitor raised his arm, then using the Art he snapped Sergei’s neck like a child would snap a twig. Sergei collapsed to the ground as the inquisitor made his way into his home to search for El and Em.

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